I’m about 2 months into my 2 year program and I am struggling. I don’t think I’ve ever struggled this much. After getting a C on a midterm I was just about ready to drop out. Luckily, my Daddy is always there to encourage me. He made sure I spoke to my professor about my grade and that made me feel so much better. I would have gotten a better grade had it not been for how specific she wanted her responses.
Still, I struggle. I didn’t realize just how hard it would be to keep a part-time job and go to grad school. I thought this would be just like undergrad but with slightly harder material. It’s not. I have about a thousand groups projects going on (which I hate), I have lesson plans to write, logs to fill out, articles to look up and read, goals to come up with, and profiles to complete. Some classes are better than others. The courses with teachers who remember what it’s like to struggle through grad school are a bit easier on me. It’s not easier because their work is less difficult, but I don’t feel the constant pressure in those classes. I feel like they understand and that makes a huge difference.
I know that this will all work out in the end. I know that this is what I’m meant to do…I just need it to be the end already!
My Daddy has been really great through all of this. He helps me keep things in perspective and not stress about the little things. He made a great suggestion to get my life organized a couple of weeks ago and that was a huge help! But most importantly, he tucks me in at night. It’s my cue to fall asleep and stop working. It helps me get close to a full night’s sleep unlike many of my classmates. It keeps me from burning out. I’m not sure what I’d do without my Daddy, but I know I wouldn’t be doing as well as I am.
I have grad school orientation in 12 days. My first day of school is in 18 days. How did I get here?
I still remember when I first transferred. I had just started talking to my Daddy…he wasn’t even my Daddy yet. I was a scared little girl who missed her mom and wanted to go home. Each day was a struggle. I had no job, no friends, and no desire to stay. Now here I am just two years later. I have an incredible job, a great group of friends and I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
I never would have gotten this far if it wasn’t for my Daddy. He has been there for me every step of the way. He may not have been too terribly pleased with some of my choices (like applying to just one grad program for just one semester) but he has always been there to support me no matter what.
Sometimes when I stop to think about how far I’ve come I surprise myself. I never would have thought my life would be this great. It hasn’t always been perfect, but it’s been an incredible two years.
I’ve been feeling a bit lonelier than usual. You guys don’t know this because I never actually posted about it, but my Daddy and I spent quite a bit of time together last month in Vegas and the Grand Canyon. It was an absolutely incredible trip. I meant to post about it, but after I wrote up the post I just decided I wanted to keep those memories to myself.
When we got back, I had the rest of the week off from work, but ever since then I’ve been working all day each week. This is fine really, since I don’t have anything else to occupy my time this summer. My Daddy was getting ready to take a few weeks to be with his daughter so I prepared myself to not see him until at least September. It kind of sucked.
He ended up cancelling his trip for various reasons that I won’t go into, but I still didn’t think I’d see him. I had a pretty good idea of how much money he spent on our last trip and I knew he had plenty of other financial obligations he needed to plan for.
These past few days have been pretty rough on me. A few people I know are getting married or are recently engaged. My Facebook feed is flooded with engagement pictures, bridal shower pictures and wedding pictures…all things that I will have to give up if I am to stay with my Daddy. I’m envious. It’s not fun. Just a few days ago, I told my roommates that I had no idea how they could have normal (read: non-BDSM) relationships because they seemed like so much work. (I was referring mostly to the fact that they seem to be playing games with each other instead of just communicating their needs.) One of my roommates replied that it was worth it because she could get married and have kids and I would just be alone.
That really hurt. I didn’t really have a reply, though I knew she was wrong. Not getting married or having kids is something specific to my Daddy, not the kinds of relationships I have. I know that I could never do the whole- what should I write back to him so he doesn’t think I care that he was talking to his ex while I’m secretly really upset over it- thing. I like the open communication I have with my Daddy. It’s nice to be able to just tell him exactly what I want or need and have us talk about it. So, while I was feeling icky about this whole situation my Daddy was plotting.
Yesterday he asked for my work schedule this week. On its own, it wasn’t a big deal, but the way he was pushing me for details about my schedule was a bit odd. I mentioned to a friend that I thought he was planning to come see me this weekend.
Well, surprise, surprise. I was wrong. He was planning to fly me down for the weekend!
So, this Thursday night I will be sleeping next to my Daddy. I could not be happier right now. I really need to just be in my Daddy’s arms again. This will be a good weekend.
My Daddy and I are going to Vegas and the Grand Canyon in about a week and a half. The countdown has begun. Yes, I know I just got back from a trip with him, but that trip could have gone way better. A failed sleepover, feelings of rejection and early bedtimes left me wanting more.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved spending 5 days with my Daddy. We watched a bunch of movies together, went grocery shopping (I love doing normal things with my Daddy) and had plenty of cuddles.
I miss my Daddy. He’s been really busy since I left, which has left me feeling lonely. I’m counting down to our next visit. He’ll be on vacation, which means he won’t have to do any work stuff. I’ll have him all to myself for the most part. I’m excited about Vegas, but I’m way more excited about the Grand Canyon. I’m sure there will be plenty of fun things to do in Vegas, but I’m much more interested in night time activities by the Grand Canyon. By which I mean, my Daddy has promised me some star gazing! He pointed out a bunch of constellations during Spring Break earlier this year…guess who’s been looking at the wrong big dipper? :-P
Eleven more days until I see my Daddy.
Twelve more days until we fly to Vegas.
My mom found out about my Daddy. It didn’t go well.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. A running theme in my life is to hide my relationships from her, have her find out, freak out, make me break up and then I start all over again. This time however, I didn’t break up with my Daddy. This time, she didn’t ask me to.
She had taken my collar off a few days before for my graduation photo shoot. Once she did that, I couldn’t ask her to put it back on without making her question why. Instead, I texted my Daddy. I told him that my mom needed to go home so that I could wear my collar again because I felt so naked without it.
My mom definitely read that text. I think of all the texts she may have read, this one was the worst. Why? Because it made it seem that I didn’t want her around. It made it seem that wearing my collar was more important than spending time with her.
When she read the word collar she assumed that I was being treated no better than an animal. She was hurt that my self esteem was low enough to allow myself to be treated so poorly. She didn’t agree with my choices, but she didn’t ask me to change them either.
I think a large part of her hurt and anger came from her thinking that I was with my Daddy for money. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Any money he’s ever given me I’ve always given back. Sometimes I may need some help paying for textbooks or something and my Daddy will step in, but it’s pretty much a guarantee that I’ll pay him back in full the very next time I see him. When she was crying at me I got the sense that she felt if she had more money I wouldn’t have been forced to be in this relationship. She saw my relationship with my Daddy as something that could have been prevented if only she had worked extra hours or taken another job. My relationship with my Daddy has never been about money. It’s about how I feel so safe and perfectly comfortable when I talk to him.
I didn’t quite know how to deal with everything as it was happening. All I wanted was to hide behind my Daddy and have him deal with everything. I tried to focus on reminding my mom that I was capable of making my own choices, happy and safe. It wasn’t easy. I must have repeated it like a thousand times.
It’s been two weeks since this happened. My mom has gone back home. We’ve talked about other things, but she hasn’t brought up my relationship with my Daddy again. I don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe she’ll just continue to ignore my Daddy’s existence or maybe she’ll ask to finally meet him. Either way, I think I’ll let her decide when she’s ready to bring it up again…I’m certainly not going to.
I’m reaching that age where my friends are starting to get engaged. I’m happy for them, really, I am. But I can’t help but wonder if I’m missing out on something. Well, I should rephrase that. I am definitely missing out the something. The question is if it’s worth it.
I love my Daddy. I can’t imagine my life without him. But he’s made it clear that we won’t be getting married. He gave some pretty good reasons and they’re not things I think he’ll change his mind on.
This is difficult for me.
My Daddy asked for monogamy, which I agreed to, but being exclusive with my Daddy means I don’t have a relationship with someone that considers marriage an option. For now, I think it’s worth it. I simply can’t imagine not being with my Daddy. I can’t imagine not being tucked in by him almost every night. I can’t imagine not snuggling into his arms again.
This is one of those things that I can’t know if it’s worth it until it’s happened. I can’t know how important marriage and children are to me until I either have them or it’s too late to have them. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
It’s true. My Daddy is awesome. He came to visit me for Valentine’s day…and it was incredible. He got to meet my roommates and a few friends, which was great. Don’t tell him, but I find it difficult to shut up about him. It was great for my friends to finally meet him.
He’s coming back this Saturday. We’re going to Disney, but what I’m really excited about is he’s coming to my basketball game. He never got to see me march because our schedules never matched up, but this will be the second basketball game he comes to just so he can watch me play. It means a lot to me. More than he probably realizes. My mom always went to all of my performances when I was in high school. Now that I’m four hours away, she doesn’t come quite so often. It’s nice to have someone there for me. I like that my Daddy cares enough to even think of coming to the game.
My Daddy is incredible and I love him.