He found out that I’ve faked every single orgasm. I don’t even know how he found out!
Ok, let me start from the beginning. Last night I started thinking about how he never asks me anything, like my favorite color, or how my day was. I freaked out because I was certain it was because he was using me.
So this morning when I woke up, I emailed him asking him to sign in. Suprisingly, he signed in right away. I told him I felt like he was using me and he responded by saying “In a way I am using you. Using your mind, body, heart. Using you to make my days better. To make me happy”. When he said that I just about killed myself for being so insensitive. Then he asked if he could come over…of course, I said yes. So at 7:44am he walked in and made all my fears go away. I don’t know how he does it.
As soon as he walked in he had me in my bedroom naked, while he was still dressed. Then he just lay with me. He told me that he knew I needed a lot of attention and he was sorry for not giving me enough attention.
He said everything I needed to hear from him.
I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t stop crying. I tried to hold it in, but he has so much love for me. I felt so awful for everything I put him through…and then, he told me that I put up with a lot! He couldn’t have been more wrong!
I tried so hard to please him, but all I end up doing is causing him drama! Anyways, somewhere between the tears he asked if I had been faking the orgasms. I decided it was time to come clean. So I told him that I had. He was shocked and hurt. I hated knowing that I put that look on his face. But he wasn’t mad at me. He made me promise to never do it again. I felt so terrible for being caught in a lie.
We also found out today that I don’t trust him as much as I had claimed. I told him that I was afraid of him. The fear started when I realized that he wouldn’t stop fucking my ass until he came (this happened last time). Ever since then I’ve been a bit afraid of him.
He took all of this suprisingly well. He told me that its ok that I didn’t trust him. He said that it was up to him to not only earn my trust, but to keep it. Then he just held me in his arms.
I almost forgot to mention this…he brought me a birthday present! Its a cologne…in the shape of a cigar…which can also be used for other things 🙂
The only thing I hate is that he made me use in in front of him. I was so embarassed! Its one thing to write to him what I do…its another to have him present while I’m doing it. Well, after much coaxing, I finally did it. After a while, he took over…and I was so glad he did! He knows my body better than I do. He made it feel so phenomenal! Once he decided I was ready, he took it out and put his dick in front of my ass. He told me to push against him so I could control how fast it went in. It didn’t hurt very much, but I still had to go slow. Once it was in, he told me to start touching my clit (which is more of a distraction than a source of pleasure). He felt so big in my ass! But suprisingly it didn’t really hurt, unless he really pushed himself all the way in.
Oh, another fun fact I discovered: he can flex his dick. An entertaining party trick, I’m sure, but extraordinarily painful in my already stretched out ass. I totally freaked out when I noticed he was doing it on purpose…he laughed at my reaction. 😐
All in all, I was glad today went the way it did. I had been faking a lot of things just to make him happy, but now that he knows about it he made it clear that I deserve to be happy, too. As he put it, we did a lot of emotional homework.
I love my boyfriend. Regardless of the stupid, childish things I do, he is always there to guide, teach and love me. He’s absolutely amazing. Now if only I could work up the nervve to tell him I enjoy oral!