The Real Reason I Can’t Give Myself to Him Completely
I do love him. In fact, I love him more than I think I should. Since I was about 13, I dreamt of giving myself to my husband. I wanted to be a virgin and I wanted to be his. But now, I’m not a virgin nor will I be his. Why? Because no matter what happens a small part of me will always belong to my boyfriend. He’s the one who showed me the pleasures of the flesh and the joys of the heart. He was my first.
How is this fair to my future husband? I’m sure that he’ll want me to give myself to him. I’m sure he’ll want to be my first. These are things I’ll never be able to do.
Why do I think my boyfriend won’t become my husband? Its not that I wouldn’t love that, but rather I realize how unlikely it is for me to marry the first guy I date. Besides, my boyfriend deserves someone much better than me. He’s so wonderful, I wish I could be better. Better at what? I don’t really know. I suppose better at sex. Better at love. Better at forgiveness. Better at patience.
This post was really hard to write. I hope I can express myself better when I tell him. I want him to know that I feel this way, not because I don’t love him, but because I love him in a way I had reserved for my husband.