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The Real Reason I Can’t Give Myself to Him Completely

December 22, 2009

I do love him. In fact, I love him more than I think I should. Since I was about 13, I dreamt of giving myself to my husband. I wanted to be a virgin and I wanted to be his. But now, I’m not a virgin nor will I be his. Why? Because no matter what happens a small part of me will always belong to my boyfriend. He’s the one who showed me the pleasures of the flesh and the joys of the heart. He was my first.

How is this fair to my future husband? I’m sure that he’ll want me to give myself to him. I’m sure he’ll want to be my first. These are things I’ll never be able to do.

Why do I think my boyfriend won’t become my husband? Its not that I wouldn’t love that, but rather I realize how unlikely it is for me to marry the first guy I date. Besides, my boyfriend deserves someone much better than me. He’s so wonderful, I wish I could be better. Better at what? I don’t really know. I suppose better at sex. Better at love. Better at forgiveness. Better at patience.

This post was really hard to write. I hope I can express myself better when I tell him. I want him to know that I feel this way, not because I don’t love him, but because I love him in a way I had reserved for my husband.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 3, 2010 6:04 am

    I understand how you feel completely, it always made me sad when I would think of my ex having lost her virginity in a way she regretted. I’d would have loved it had I taken her virginity(since she took mine) but at the time I was still happy thinking she was the person I was going to spend my life with but it didn’t turn out like that. I didn’t care what other people thought, I was more than happy to marry my first real girlfriend. If shes/he’s the one then it doesn’t matter if they are you’re first or only one.

    Please don’t say you’re not good enough for him, that’s not true. You’re a sweet, kind, funny, beautiful girl and he sounds like an extremely lucky guy to have you 🙂

    Don’t doubt yourself so much.

  2. January 3, 2010 10:00 pm

    Awww. Thank you. I do doubt myself a lot. In fact, I even began to doubt his love for me. Its because I need so much attention! He’s always so busy 😦
    But don’t worry. He knows how I feel and he always knows how to make me feel better 🙂

    Hopefully I stop doubting myself. He tells me I’m beautiful and that he wants me and things like that, but because of past relationships its difficult for me to understand the love he has for me.

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