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My boyfriend is amazing

January 7, 2010

Today, I let my mind run wild. I began thinking of the things I’ve recently learned to enjoy.

A long time ago…I think I was maybe 12, my mom gave me a Christian sex book. In it, there was was an illustration of a cliff. Next to that, there was a list of things like holding hands, kissing, making out, neck massages, etc. You were supposed to rewrite those things in the illustration according to what you felt was ‘over the cliff’. Ever since then, I viewed things in that way. Everything is in order from least to greatest.

As I begin to experience new things with my boyfriend, I find myself approaching the cliff at an alarming rate. I can’t help but think that perhaps I’ll always want to be closer to the edge. Then a thought occurred to me…what if I fall over the edge?

I’m barely 18. Already I can feel myself getting closer to the edge. How long will it be before I jump? Everyday I crave something further down the list. Kissing>oral>sex>anal>choking when will it end?

But after talking to him about it, I decided that its ok to jump…because he’ll be there to catch me.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 7, 2010 5:55 pm

    If you’re not careful it can and WILL turn into an addiction, like we talked about earlier. Just make sure there’s more to the relationship then just sex. I’m at the point to where it’s an addiction and I’m going crazy till I get my fix.

    At least you’re aware that you’re barely 18 and experiancing this new world so to speak. Know your limits and your “jumping point” or else it will screw you up in the long run.

    It’s also not just him catching you but you to him with whatever he’s going through in life, the thing with relationship that it’s alway one helping the other as much as possible to establish a connection that will last a lifetime.

  2. January 8, 2010 9:27 am

    Thank you, sinalma86. I agree. I want to be there for him. I encourage him to tell me about his day, but he says that nothing really happens. He does tell me when he’s having problems with sales and stuff and I’ve done my best to help him. Also, in a recent email I asked him if we could try something new next time, but I told him it was up to him to decide what. He wrote back saying that our time together is about me and that we could try anything I wanted. I was a bit shocked to hear him say that. I always thought that our time together was about us. So, I wrote back and told him so.

    Sometimes, I really wish he could read this blog. Then at least he’d know what goes through my mind. :/

    This relationship is kind of difficult for me because its my first real relationship. At the same time, I know that this isn’t a ‘normal’ relationship. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be happy again after we break up.

  3. January 8, 2010 3:48 pm

    It sounds like you both just really really need to talk about things more, especially you. You need to tell him in your own way what goes on through your head at times, even during sex. Communication is extremely important to have.

    Relationships that start off with just sex don’t always work out in the end due to the fact is was the only thing that brought you together, like I said before I got lucky in that BUT it still didn’t help in the end. If you don’t have much time then use what little time you have to communicate with each other, go to the park or somewhere and just chat, you might learn allot from each other.

    As for your last sentence, I feel the same way. Not sure if I’ll ever be completely and truly happy again after losing my dove 😦 but we just have to brave through life and hope to be proven wrong.

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