Pushing my Limts: Blindfolds and Choking
He came over today and I’ve never been more excited to see him. I had asked him if we could try a couple of new things and, of course, he said yes.
He blindfolded me almost right away. I was a bit upset because I love looking in his eyes…but I had asked for it so there was nothing I could do.
I had fantasized about being choked while blindfolded…he didn’t disappoint me. 🙂
He started fucking me slowly and he placed his hand at my throat. Then he slowly started applying more pressure. It felt so good when he was choking me. It really did make the sex feel better. He was extraordinarily careful not to apply too much pressure or hold it there for too long. But I kept my hands on his…pulling him off of me…mostly because I was afraid. Then he asked me if I wanted him to tie my hands behind my back. At first I didn’t get it…but then I realized what he meant. So I put my hands down and he applied a little more pressure for just a little longer. I felt my face starting to tingle. I panicked a little. Then I freaked out. I made him stop. I took my blindfold off and tears welled up. But somehow he made me feel better. I wanted to ask him if I could put the blindfold on again, but he was being so sweet, I didn’t want to ruin it.
Apperantly, I mumble. I had no idea. I thought I was speaking audibly. He did not. So he punished me. He fucked my ass. He didn’t go slow. He didn’t use lube. He just stuck it in. It hurt so much. I hated him so much. How could the man I have so much love for cause me so much pain? But then he held me and all was right with the world. So we had sex. I wanted to ask him to choke me again, but I was afraid he’d think I was a freak or something.
It wasn’t long before I started mumbling again. He told me to give him my ass…but I refused. I was scared and I hated the pain. Thankfully, he gave in. He didn’t punish me. I thought I would think of him as less of a man, but I didn’t. I thought of him as more of a man because he knew when enough was enough. He knew that sometimes the threat of punishment is just as effective as the actual punishment.
Then…we talked. He told me I was a good girlfriend. He told me I deserve better. He told me all of the things he knows I needed to hear. And then he said it. I wouldn’t be getting a Valentine’s day. Its not just because he can’t afford it, which I completely understand. Its because he doesn’t want my mom to find out.
Valentine’s day would be the perfect way to tell her about us. I had even planned out how I’d tell her. I hope he shows up here on the 15th with a dozen roses.
This was followed by more sex. Since we had just talked about trust, I figured that he was testing my trust when he asked if I wanted him to cum inside me without a condom. He knows I can’t feel when he’s using a condom…I told him this morning. He asked me if I wanted him to cum inside me without a condom and I assumed he just wanted to see my response. I said yes because I wanted to prove to him that I could handle it. Well, that plan backfired. Turns out, he had taken the condom off before. So as it turns out, he came inside me without a condom. I may, in fact, be pregnant. He told me to go shower and he asked if I wanted him to join me. I said no. Really, I love the idea of taking a shower with my boyfriend, but I just didn’t feel like it. I felt betrayed. He says that because I thought he was lying about not having the condom that I don’t actually trust him. But I think I do trust him. I trusted him to be responsible enough to use a condom every time. He broke that trust. What will we do if I end up pregnant? Yes, we have talked about it. We decided on an abortion. But an abortion is $600. I was under the impression that he had that much money in savings or something…but he told me today he was too broke to buy me anything for Valentine’s day. I’m not one to dwell on finances. I don’t care if he’s broke or not. But if he knows he can’t pay for an abortion, why does he risk it?
I know it sounds like I’m upset…and on some level I am. But I have an overwhelming sense of love for him. He’s helping me grow by forcing me to feel all these things. Its hard to put it into words…I guess you could say I’m grateful. I’m grateful that he’s my boyfriend. I’m grateful that he lets me cry. I’m grateful that he makes me tell him why. I’m grateful he’s there even when he has so many other things going on in his life. But mostly I’m grateful that I’m his.