Ramblings in my mind
Could he be married? Have a girlfriend? He frequently asks if I’m ok with him being with other girls. I always say yes, though I never truly mean it.
Why do I say yes? Its because I’m grateful that my first time was how it was. It was extraordinarily beneficial for my first time to have been with him. He has helped me accept my needs and wants without shame. I want him to do that for other girls, too. The only thing I ask is that I know about it ahead of time, that she know about me ahead of time and that his time with her not detract from my time with him. Basically, as long as it doesn’t interfere with our relationship I’m ok with it.
But why don’t I like it? I don’t like it because I’m still not entirely secure in our relationship. I worry that he’ll find someone better than me. Someone who isn’t needy or clingy or childish. Someone older who he could introduce to his friends. Someone more mature who can spend the night at his house without having to ask permission. Someone who can go out on a date with him. Someone he can trust with all of his secrets.
Which reminds me of his secret. He told me that he has boytoy that he calls when he wants to fuck in the middle of the night. I found that so incredibly sexy. I wish I could meet him. I don’t feel threatened by him at all…its not like with girls.