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The Secret’s Out

May 3, 2010

He’s been reading my blog since the very beginning. I don’t know how I feel about this.

I feel embarrassed that he read it. My blog is like my diary. It holds all my secrets. Its one thing for complete strangers to read it, but I didn’t intend for my boyfriend to read it yet. I thought he would read it in a few months and he could look back and see how much I’d matured. I never intended for him to read what I was writing as we were living through it. There were times when I asked him if he wanted to read it and he always said he didn’t. He said it would be weird…

I feel upset at the double standard. When I lied to him about my orgasms he said if I ever did it again we’d break up. Why, then, is it ok for him to lie to me?

I feel violated. I wrote things that he wasn’t meant to know yet…things that will alter our relationship.

I’m upset that he told me when he did. He had just told me I couldn’t be his sub…then, when I’m crying and vulnerable, he tells me that he’s been reading my blog. Its like adding insult to injury. I already felt rejected and as though I’m a burden to him, then I find out he’s been lying to me for months.

But then he told me that he’s been reading it because it was important to him. I’m important to him. He did it for the same reason I faked my orgasms…because he thought he was doing more good than harm. Then I realized I’m glad he was reading it. It means he got to see what I really think without all the lies. So, I guess even though it hurt to know I’d been lied to, I’m glad he was reading it…I just wish he hadn’t told me.

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