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Identity

May 13, 2010

I wanted to send this to my boyfriend,but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. What if he got upset and thought I was cheating on him? What if he breaks up with me? What if he decides that he can’t be with me if I’m not submissive? I love him too much to lose him right now…

I went to meet a guy that I’ve been talking to for a long time. I figured that since you wanted me to make some friends I might as well start by meeting the friends I’ve never met.
I’d talked to him a lot about how I fantasized us meeting. I told him I wanted a spanking and I told him I’d beg him to stop…as soon as I walked inside he grabbed my wrist and pulled me over his knees on the couch. He pulled my pant and my panties down and he started spanking me. It hurt so much worse than you’ve ever done it. I begged him to stop and he wouldn’t. It hurt so much that I can still feel it…When I tried to get away, he pinned my arm behind my back and kept spanking. I lost all control. When he decided to stop he told me to kneel and put my hands on my head.

It was the single worst experience of my entire life. Not just because I felt powerless, scared and humiliated, but because I realized I didn’t like giving up control.

I don’t know if it was because it was him and not you, but I didn’t want to submit. I’m not sure if I’m submissive anymore. I’m not sure of anything anymore. The more I think about it the more I realize that I haven’t really submitted to you. When you told me to do something as simple as going to sleep I couldn’t even do it. I couldn’t obey you.

This wouldn’t be so confusing to me, except that I’ve always thought of myself as submissive…a brat, maybe, but submissive. Now it feels like I don’t know who I am.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. May 13, 2010 6:56 pm

    You never know what or who you truly are till you’re put into a position like that. I know it goes without saying but you’re lucky that experiance didn’t go any worse than it did. The thing with being submissive is that it should only be towards the person you’re invovled.

    It’s a tough descision on whether to tell him what happened. I’m not going to lie, I’d be extremely upset if the girl I was with met someone who pulled down her underwear and spanked her like that. The meeting part is no big deal, since you’re free to meet whoever you want but just what he did is what’s going to be tough to tell him.

    You can’t force yourself to be something you’re not as well. If you feel you’re not the submissive person you thought you were, then it’s not a big deal. You’re boyfriend will understand and love you the exact same if he truly cares about you.

    You had me extremely worried while I was reading your blog, I’m glad your ok but next time be careful, you never know when something might go horribly wrong in those situations where you’re meeting someone for the first time in person.

  2. May 14, 2010 6:52 am

    I know. I realized how stupid I was the moment he overpowered me.
    The good news is that I already told my boyfriend. He was really concerned and upset, but not at me.
    PS: Thank you for being so concerned, too. 🙂

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