My dad didn’t love me when I was little. He still doesn’t. He never gave me any attention. I always wanted to be his little princess. I wanted him to love me…but I was never good enough for him.
Its quite likely that that’s why I crave so much attention now. I want to be loved. I want to be cared for. I want someone who’ll hold me tight every night. Someone to protect me from my own thoughts. Someone who I can talk to. Someone who’ll be gentle with me…stroke my hair…kiss away my tears.
I don’t think my boyfriend can be who I need him to be. He says I put too much pressure on him. He likes to be rough with me. He likes to pull my hair. He’s gentle sometimes, though. And the way I feel when I’m in his arms is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. When he nibbles on my ear I’m in a state of bliss. I like that I can curl up against him, lay my head on his shoulder and then he wraps his arms around me. I like the way he takes control of my body. I like the way he looks at me when I start crying inexplicably. I like the way he talks. I like the fact that his room is ultra nerdy. I like that he never gets mad at me…he just pulls my hair until I give in.
The one thing I hate about him is that he works so much. He spends all day working and then he comes home and works some more online. He’s so exhausted all the time. He never has any time for me. I know its really selfish of me, but I need attention…and he just can’t give it to me. He won’t even let me go have lunch with him while he’s working. But even this is cast in a positive light in my eyes. He works really hard. That’s a good thing, right? If I want to marry him someday then we’re going to need his business to succeed. So I guess its kind of good that he works so hard. But still, I’m 18. I want a boyfriend right now. I want a best friend. I want him.
I’m surrounded by temptation. Guys, multiples guys, who tell me everyday they’d gladly take me and give me the attention I need. Promises of kisses and hugs and sex and orgasms. Promises of toys…how can I resist all of these guys? Sometimes its no problem. But times like these, when I feel lonely and abandoned, I want to say yes. I want their attention. But even then I know I would gladly wait a year just to have the feeling I get when I lay in my boyfriend’s arms. I love him. I belong to him. Its not a choice I made. It just happened. I wonder how he feels? Does he want me? Does he hate that my feelings for him are so intense? Does he wish this could be a casual relationship? Does he want a more serious relationship? I want to ask him, but he hasn’t been writing back to my emails. I feel hopelessly alone. I feel isolated. I can’t talk to my friends about this, they wouldn’t understand. The only other friend who would possibly understand how I feel won’t talk to me until I break up with my boyfriend. I have no one to talk to…no one who understands…no one who cares.