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Who do I belong to?

November 7, 2010

I was having a really bad week so I decided to text my ex Friday night. He asked me who I loved and I said him. He asked me who owned my body and I said him. I don’t think I really meant it. I do love him, but I’m not sure he owns my body. I think he knows it, too. He responded by saying that I say I love him yet I keep secrets and I say he owns me but not my ass. I had no idea he felt that way. He seemed really pissed off that I’ve been turning down anal.

I never realized that he likes anal so much. I honestly didn’t think it made a difference to him. I always thought that anal was something we did for my benefit. That’s why once it started getting painful I stopped asking for it. I didn’t think he cared. But it turns out he does. Next time he asks for anal I’m just gonna have to suck it up and take it.

He also decided that I won’t be allowed to orgasm again until I cum in front of him. I hate that he’s forcing me to do this. I wish he’d understand why I’m so shy. I wish he’d be content with the endless blowjobs and handjobs. Why must I cum in front of him? Why does he insist on embarassing me?

But the conversation didn’t end there. He decided that I need to find a girl or be forced to sleep with 4 men a day every day. Why is it so important I find a girl? Because he thinks it’ll help my self confidence. What he doesn’t realize is that my self confidence gets better every time he tells me I’m amazing. And what’s more, he’s the one who tore down my self confidence. When he broke up with me on my birthday it felt like he was saying I’m not good enough for him. If he thinks I’m so amazing, then why won’t he take me on a date with him? My self confidence is fine. Especially since a bunch of guys on fetlife have been telling me how pretty I am and how they want to meet me and stuff. That helps a lot. I don’t need a girl to raise my self confidence.

Be that as it may, I do have a date this Wednesday. It’s nothing big. It’s a concert I’m going to that I didn’t want to go to alone. This girl said she’d come with me. That’s it. But I’m kind of nervous about it. I know that she’s been looking for a girlfriend…what if that’s why she’s coming? Then again, she might just be coming along as a friend. I wish I knew. 😦 Then again, it might not matter. The concert is at 7:30 and our class is at 7. If we have a quiz or something that day then we won’t be able to go.

The entire conversation with my ex was terrible. And even worse, I was very disrespectful. I felt awful about how I talked back to him. It ruined my entire Saturday just thinking about it. I’m expecting a punishment the next time he comes over, but he hasn’t said anything.

When will I learn? I hate being punished. Having to be punished means that I failed to please him. I hate that feeling.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. November 7, 2010 11:27 am

    This is a particularly difficult situation, on any number of counts. You have a need to be owned, and as a dominant, I certainly understand that. Trouble is, the situation as it stands is one where your owner isn’t taking full responsability for the role of owner. I understand his frustration relating to anal….for me it isn’t enough that my partner accept me fucking thier ass, they need to need the hurt I give them when I take thier ass. It doesn’t sound like your owner’s bent quite the same way, but I understand his frustration. I also understand his need to see you cum. Both because in his shoes seeing my girl cum would be a way of knowing that she was being properly cared for, and also because it is an owner’s responsability to push his girl’s limits. That said, however, he seems to seek a lack of commitment that runs entirely contrary to an ownership relationship. I’m at a loss to really give you a direction to go in however, given the connection you have to him.

    I don’t understand the push for you to be with another girl, other than as a way for him to get a threesome with two girls, or as masturbation fodder. You being with a female isn’t going to help your self confidence as much as any number of other activities he could have tasked you to. I might just be getting his reasoning, but it just seems really bizarre to me.

    Don’t thrash yourself too much about arguing with your ex. Everyone is responsible for thier own happiness, including submissives. You love your ex, and want him to be part of your happiness. Nothing wrong with that. But don’t feel badly about insisting that whatever relationship you do have with him is one that brings you happiness. Anything less *would* be disrespectful, to yourself, to him, and to everyone who cares about you.

    • November 8, 2010 1:04 pm

      You always seem to have a clear grasp on my feelings. He wants me to give him my body, but he doesn’t really offer much in return. He’s starting to change though. He even suggested that I might come along with him some morning while he’s running errands. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s something I’ve always wanted. I always want to spend time with him doing normal boring stuff. It seems like I’m finally gonna get a chance to do that. 🙂 I just wish this had happened sooner.

  2. November 8, 2010 6:09 pm

    Thank you, a big part of my understanding is that you write well. 🙂 And don’t feel foolish about being excited about going on errands with him. It is sharing the dust of life that makes relationships real. 🙂

  3. November 11, 2010 9:42 am

    Ask, and ye shall recieve! All updated. Email me sometime 🙂

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