Who do I belong to?
I was having a really bad week so I decided to text my ex Friday night. He asked me who I loved and I said him. He asked me who owned my body and I said him. I don’t think I really meant it. I do love him, but I’m not sure he owns my body. I think he knows it, too. He responded by saying that I say I love him yet I keep secrets and I say he owns me but not my ass. I had no idea he felt that way. He seemed really pissed off that I’ve been turning down anal.
I never realized that he likes anal so much. I honestly didn’t think it made a difference to him. I always thought that anal was something we did for my benefit. That’s why once it started getting painful I stopped asking for it. I didn’t think he cared. But it turns out he does. Next time he asks for anal I’m just gonna have to suck it up and take it.
He also decided that I won’t be allowed to orgasm again until I cum in front of him. I hate that he’s forcing me to do this. I wish he’d understand why I’m so shy. I wish he’d be content with the endless blowjobs and handjobs. Why must I cum in front of him? Why does he insist on embarassing me?
But the conversation didn’t end there. He decided that I need to find a girl or be forced to sleep with 4 men a day every day. Why is it so important I find a girl? Because he thinks it’ll help my self confidence. What he doesn’t realize is that my self confidence gets better every time he tells me I’m amazing. And what’s more, he’s the one who tore down my self confidence. When he broke up with me on my birthday it felt like he was saying I’m not good enough for him. If he thinks I’m so amazing, then why won’t he take me on a date with him? My self confidence is fine. Especially since a bunch of guys on fetlife have been telling me how pretty I am and how they want to meet me and stuff. That helps a lot. I don’t need a girl to raise my self confidence.
Be that as it may, I do have a date this Wednesday. It’s nothing big. It’s a concert I’m going to that I didn’t want to go to alone. This girl said she’d come with me. That’s it. But I’m kind of nervous about it. I know that she’s been looking for a girlfriend…what if that’s why she’s coming? Then again, she might just be coming along as a friend. I wish I knew. 😦 Then again, it might not matter. The concert is at 7:30 and our class is at 7. If we have a quiz or something that day then we won’t be able to go.
The entire conversation with my ex was terrible. And even worse, I was very disrespectful. I felt awful about how I talked back to him. It ruined my entire Saturday just thinking about it. I’m expecting a punishment the next time he comes over, but he hasn’t said anything.
When will I learn? I hate being punished. Having to be punished means that I failed to please him. I hate that feeling.