I just got back from vacation…it was awesome. I got to go see FMBC Semi-Finals then we went to stay at a Disney Resort. We went to downtown Disney every night. It wasn’t a true vacation since I had to do homework every day, but it was a nice break from reality. Plus, I got new charms for my charm bracelet 🙂
Where was my boyfriend during all of this? In Nashville…working. -.-
So I was a bit surprised when he wrote to me one night around midnight. We started talking but since he was drunk I figured he wouldn’t remember any of it the next day. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He remembers it all. He told me he wished I still loved him because he doesn’t own my body anymore. He liked owning my body. I want to give myself to him, but there was never any possibility of a relationship so I pulled away from him. I knew this relationship would end soon so I tried to distance myself from him so the break up wouldn’t be so bad. But he asked what I wanted, so I told him. I want the possibility of marriage. I want to know that our relationship has a possible future. He finally told me why marriage was never a possibility. He doesn’t think I can handle his kinks. But his kinks are all things I enjoy, I just kind of stopped doing them because I didn’t want to feel too close to him. He wants me to let him eat me out, but the reason I always say no is because I know he prefers me to shave, so if I haven’t shaved in a while I feel kind of awkward about it. He wants to choke me to the point of passing out, but the reason I didn’t let him do that before was because I didn’t know that’s what he had in mind and it scared me. Everything he said he wants to do I denied him for some silly reason. If I knew these things were so important I would have said yes.
In fact, the only thing I’d still say no to is anal. The last time we tried it I wanted to go slow at first but he kept saying that if I didn’t hurry up he was just going to ram it in. It freaked me out so I made him stop. But the truth is I want to start trying anal again…I just need him to go slow at first. I wish he’d understand that. All I need is for him to start slow and I’m sure I’ll start to enjoy it again.
That whole talk really ruined my vacation. I stayed up until 3:30 talking to him and I had to wake up at 6. I ended up waking up an hour late. I almost missed breakfast. I was sleepy all day. I had homework to finish but I couldn’t focus. And, to top things off, I felt terrible about the talk we had had. The good news? At least now I know what he wants. I’m determined to become the obedient servant he wants.