Skip to content

Contemplating

December 8, 2010

Depression is setting in. Suicide is quickly becoming an option.

I feel so alone right now. This is not the way I had planned to spend my 19th birthday. I want to lay in the arms of the man I love. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want to hear him say it. I want him to brush the hair out of my eyes and kiss my forehead ever so softly. I want him to want me.

I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’m just watching myself go through the motions of living. I need someone to talk to…a very specific someone.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. chris permalink
    December 9, 2010 12:57 am

    The measure of how much it hurts now – is also the measure of how much you love – and how much you will love when things are better. How much happiness you will give to someone – and how much you will enjoy yourself.

    I want to leave you with the thoughts of Neruda – “I want to do to you what spring time does to the cherry trees”. This is how I wish your day would have been.

    Happy birthday…

    • December 9, 2010 8:02 am

      Thank you, Chris. That was really beautiful. I love Neruda, though truth be told, his words lose a bit of meaning when translated into English.

  2. 1robbie permalink
    December 9, 2010 9:43 am

    Pursuing toxic relationships are a common theme in those who have been abused in the past.
    Generally speaking it is a linear relationship between the amount and severity of abuse and the more toxic relationships sought. Their subconscious minds actually seek punishment and abuse because it sees that as a form of love and comfort…a warm reminder of the past.

    As a committed submissive your goal must be to un-collar your mind from this male and find a more loving caring and responsible object of your affection be it male or female. One who will fulfill your submissive needs while still offering true love and compassion in a ltr.

    Many psychologists now recommend ecstasy therapy between committed lovers to help expose feelings and make the bond stronger. Yes it is illegal and yes it has been shown to work very effectively notwithstanding what the dea might claim to the contrary.

    Goal number 1 is to find a relationship that will help make you happy and vibrant.

    Thank you for exposing your feelings to the degree you do. You are a brilliant and very special person who deserves the best of what life has to offer.

    Good luck sweet sub. We’re right here with you darlin.

    You are not allowed to let us all down by taking your own life.

    • December 9, 2010 10:21 am

      I won’t let you all down. I had a moment of weakness, but I’ve since realized just how many people love me and how much I have to live for.

  3. December 9, 2010 10:19 am

    From reading your blogs, I get the feeling that you experience emotions a lot more deeply than most. I either have borderline personality disorder or something similar, and have made several suicide attempts, so I might know where you’re at. Hang on there friend. It is tough, but remember that the pain you feel also enables you to experience joy that much more. Live through it, allow it to sharpen your experiences, good and bad. Either work things out with your boyfriend, or if his heart just isn’t in it, find a new one. Easier said than done to be sure, but true all the same. We’re here for you.

    Oh, as an aside: ecstasy therapy. Great stuff to be sure, and is being used legally in some places in Europe. Not sure if it would apply in this case though. It is used to assist in situations where empathy is lacking. Young sub seems to have enough empathy to push a train, and her boyfriend seems to be lacking in responsibility rather than empathy. I’ve known a number of people that would have benefited from that form of treatment though.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: