My Daddy told me the other day that there was a possibility of him coming up here for 4 days right after my finals. Today, something happened that made it extremely clear that that would not be happening. My Daddy’s wife had something come up. This is such a large something that he needs to cancel most of his work. Four days in Tampa would just be way too much. I understand that he needs to be there for his wife…I really do. But I need him. I feel so unprepared for this. I had already started fantasizing about our time together.
Laying in his arms…I never feel more at peace. He makes me feel so safe. I love sleeping with him…not necessarily for the sex or the playing…but because he makes me feel loved. He’s told me before that he doesn’t think of himself as my boyfriend…but that’s how I see him. I suppose now I understand what he means.
See, to him, a boyfriend should be able to come visit me and such. A boyfriend should be so much more than what he’s offering. He refuses to call himself my boyfriend because he feels as though he can’t give me everything a boyfriend should. I never quite understood that until now. It hurts to know that we won’t be together because of her. Although, it’s not exactly her fault.
One positive that came out of all of this is that we discovered just how well my Daddy knows me. He knew I went from extreme sadness to extreme guilt…he let me know that it was ok to be upset by this. He let me express my emotions without having them take over.
I honestly do love my Daddy. He tries so hard to give me everything I want. He makes an effort to be there to tuck me in every night…he texts me every morning…he remembers my class schedule…checks up on my homework…asks about my day…all this while juggling his crazy life. I appreciate all that he does for me. I know it can’t be easy. I know it certainly isn’t easy for me to manage 3 relationship in which they all know about each other…I can’t imagine what it’d be like juggling a marriage and a little girl while trying to keep it a secret.
I know that this weighs on him. He was looking forward to this trip just as much as I was. I know he doesn’t like making me cry. I try not to cry in front of him…but this was just too much to hold in. I still cry about it sometimes. The pain is just more than I had ever expected.
Despite all of this, the pleasure far outweighs the pain.