My mom found out about my Daddy. It didn’t go well.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. A running theme in my life is to hide my relationships from her, have her find out, freak out, make me break up and then I start all over again. This time however, I didn’t break up with my Daddy. This time, she didn’t ask me to.
She had taken my collar off a few days before for my graduation photo shoot. Once she did that, I couldn’t ask her to put it back on without making her question why. Instead, I texted my Daddy. I told him that my mom needed to go home so that I could wear my collar again because I felt so naked without it.
My mom definitely read that text. I think of all the texts she may have read, this one was the worst. Why? Because it made it seem that I didn’t want her around. It made it seem that wearing my collar was more important than spending time with her.
When she read the word collar she assumed that I was being treated no better than an animal. She was hurt that my self esteem was low enough to allow myself to be treated so poorly. She didn’t agree with my choices, but she didn’t ask me to change them either.
I think a large part of her hurt and anger came from her thinking that I was with my Daddy for money. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Any money he’s ever given me I’ve always given back. Sometimes I may need some help paying for textbooks or something and my Daddy will step in, but it’s pretty much a guarantee that I’ll pay him back in full the very next time I see him. When she was crying at me I got the sense that she felt if she had more money I wouldn’t have been forced to be in this relationship. She saw my relationship with my Daddy as something that could have been prevented if only she had worked extra hours or taken another job. My relationship with my Daddy has never been about money. It’s about how I feel so safe and perfectly comfortable when I talk to him.
I didn’t quite know how to deal with everything as it was happening. All I wanted was to hide behind my Daddy and have him deal with everything. I tried to focus on reminding my mom that I was capable of making my own choices, happy and safe. It wasn’t easy. I must have repeated it like a thousand times.
It’s been two weeks since this happened. My mom has gone back home. We’ve talked about other things, but she hasn’t brought up my relationship with my Daddy again. I don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe she’ll just continue to ignore my Daddy’s existence or maybe she’ll ask to finally meet him. Either way, I think I’ll let her decide when she’s ready to bring it up again…I’m certainly not going to.