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Outed

May 18, 2013

My mom found out about my Daddy. It didn’t go well.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. A running theme in my life is to hide my relationships from her, have her find out, freak out, make me break up and then I start all over again. This time however, I didn’t break up with my Daddy. This time, she didn’t ask me to.

She had taken my collar off a few days before for my graduation photo shoot. Once she did that, I couldn’t ask her to put it back on without making her question why. Instead, I texted my Daddy. I told him that my mom needed to go home so that I could wear my collar again because I felt so naked without it.

My mom definitely read that text. I think of all the texts she may have read, this one was the worst. Why? Because it made it seem that I didn’t want her around. It made it seem that wearing my collar was more important than spending time with her.

When she read the word collar she assumed that I was being treated no better than an animal. She was hurt that my self esteem was low enough to allow myself to be treated so poorly. She didn’t agree with my choices, but she didn’t ask me to change them either.

I think a large part of her hurt and anger came from her thinking that I was with my Daddy for money. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Any money he’s ever given me I’ve always given back. Sometimes I may need some help paying for textbooks or something and my Daddy will step in, but it’s pretty much a guarantee that I’ll pay him back in full the very next time I see him. When she was crying at me I got the sense that she felt if she had more money I wouldn’t have been forced to be in this relationship. She saw my relationship with my Daddy as something that could have been prevented if only she had worked extra hours or taken another job. My relationship with my Daddy has never been about money. It’s about how I feel so safe and perfectly comfortable when I talk to him.

I didn’t quite know how to deal with everything as it was happening. All I wanted was to hide behind my Daddy and have him deal with everything. I tried to focus on reminding my mom that I was capable of making my own choices, happy and safe. It wasn’t easy. I must have repeated it like a thousand times.

It’s been two weeks since this happened. My mom has gone back home. We’ve talked about other things, but she hasn’t brought up my relationship with my Daddy again. I don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe she’ll just continue to ignore my Daddy’s existence or maybe she’ll ask to finally meet him. Either way, I think I’ll let her decide when she’s ready to bring it up again…I’m certainly not going to.

Is it worth it?

March 17, 2013

I’m reaching that age where my friends are starting to get engaged. I’m happy for them, really, I am. But I can’t help but wonder if I’m missing out on something. Well, I should rephrase that. I am definitely missing out the something. The question is if it’s worth it.

I love my Daddy. I can’t imagine my life without him. But he’s made it clear that we won’t be getting married. He gave some pretty good reasons and they’re not things I think he’ll change his mind on.

This is difficult for me. My Daddy asked for monogamy, which I agreed to, but being exclusive with my Daddy means I don’t have a relationship with someone that considers marriage an option. For now, I think it’s worth it. I simply can’t imagine not being with my Daddy. I can’t imagine not being tucked in by him almost every night. I can’t imagine not snuggling into his arms again.

This is one of those things that I can’t know if it’s worth it until it’s happened. I can’t know how important marriage and children are to me until I either have them or it’s too late to have them. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

My Daddy is incredible

February 27, 2013
tags: ,

It’s true. My Daddy is awesome. He came to visit me for Valentine’s day…and it was incredible. He got to meet my roommates and a few friends, which was great. Don’t tell him, but I find it difficult to shut up about him. It was great for my friends to finally meet him.

He’s coming back this Saturday. We’re going to Disney, but what I’m really excited about is he’s coming to my basketball game. He never got to see me march because our schedules never matched up, but this will be the second basketball game he comes to just so he can watch me play. It means a lot to me. More than he probably realizes. My mom always went to all of my performances when I was in high school. Now that I’m four hours away, she doesn’t come quite so often. It’s nice to have someone there for me. I like that my Daddy cares enough to even think of coming to the game.

My Daddy is incredible and I love him.

A weekend with my Daddy

January 21, 2013

This is the first weekend I’ve spent with my Daddy at his place. For the year and a half that we’ve been seeing each other, he’s always made the trip to Orlando to visit me. For various reasons, he decided that it would be best for me to travel to him this time…I was promised a weekend of carnal excess, but I got so much more.

The plan for this weekend was to spend at least 48 hours completely naked. My Daddy finally cracked around the 50 hour mark. He ordered a pizza and was forced to get dressed. I made until around the 62 hour mark. Our personal records have been set. 🙂

This weekend was different than all the others. Not necessarily better or worse, just different. I got to see a different side of my Daddy. We lay on his couch all cuddled up and watched the LOTR trilogy. He cooked for me, which was a new and welcomed experience. He had explained to me a while ago how he makes spaghetti and meatballs and I could not wait to try them. After months of waiting, he was finally able to make them for me…well worth the wait, btw.

But the weekend wasn’t all fun. There were some rather rough moments, for both of us. I cried myself to sleep last night wondering about the future of our relationship. It’s a personal struggle for me. I love my Daddy so very much, but he can’t offer me the life I think I want. Yet, I can’t bear the thought of altering our relationship. He’s so incredibly patient with me. He’s pushed me to do things I never thought I’d be able to do. He spoils me with love and toys. He kisses me in all the right places.

I think the hardest part of all of this is being unable to clearly articulate my feelings. I’m not too worried, though. With a Daddy as incredible as mine, I’m sure we’ll work things out when the time comes.

Words from my Daddy

September 20, 2012

No matter how much you do or accomplish, you’ll always be my little girl.

-Daddy

All growed up

September 7, 2012

Yes and no, always and never.

– My Daddy’s response to me telling him I was grown up.

Bottoms

August 30, 2012

I need a lot more bottom.

-my band director (he makes it so hard to focus)

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